I began talking to a guy online that will be called "Gamer". For those of you who have heard this story before, bear with me as it leads me to where I am now, which is currently contemplating a quiet yet peaceful existence in a convent.
On with Gamer, called this because he described himself as a video game geek, Gamer was really sweet in the beginning of our conversations (most of my dating stories will start out this way). As I got to know Gamer, I found out we were very different. For example, he was obsessed with video games and I was...well, not. I preferred crazy things like sunlight and fresh air. At first, I was willing to overlook some of these differences because he was quite entertaining and well, I like games, just different ones like...Apples to Apples or Hide and Seek.
I agreed to play the game and meet Gamer. One day before our date, I received a message from Gamer that said, "Are you sure you want to meet me? Ha ha." Well, I thought I was sure, until that question. Was Gamer asking me this because Gamer was nervous/insecure? Or was Gamer playing games with my heart? Like the Backstreet Boys, I was sick of that. I replied with, "Should I not be?" He then responded, "Ha ha. Sorry. I was just joking and right now I am racking up lives for a friend's mom."
Racking up lives?!? What the heck does that mean? I think that is the worst line to use in the online dating world. Ok, I suppose it could have been worse...like "Hi, I live in a creepy basement at my mom's house with my pet snake." or "What's your address? Because I think I'm here." But seriously, racking up lives? Was this gaming terminology?
So I respond with, "What does that mean?" To which he responds "Lol. Sorry. Blonde moment. I meant racking up leaves."
Well my friend, we don't rack up leaves. We RAKE up leaves, and now you look like a psycho leaf racker which is probably code for online serial killer.
It's stories like this that have made me think online dating should be called "Life-line dating" because you always want an out...or perhaps, "My life is on the line dating" because it seems so dangerous at times with all of the leaf rackers in the world. eHarmony would be called "e-Harm or Electronic Harm" and Match.com as my dear best friend puts it would be called "Take a lit match to it.com". I digress...
Researching an adequate convent has been no easy task. Did you know 50% of the convent population is over 70 years old? Did you know a nun's wardrobe is called a habit? More like a bad habit. Just kidding nuns reading this! As I think about what it would take to become a postulant, I envision the interview process going something like this:
Sister "I Almost Died Online Dating Too" (SIADODT): How do you feel about wearing our habit?
Me: I think I could handle it. I don't mind turtlenecks and I hate getting sunburnt.
SIADODT: What are your thoughts on humming plainchant?
Me: Is it like "The Song That Never Ends"? Because then I got this.
SIADODT: Would you be willing to participate in mass?
Yeah. I mean, I'm not really a fan of all the kneeling and standing, but I would need a workout.
SIADODT: How do you feel about disappearing from the secular world for 1-9 years?
Me: Uh.........can I write my parents?
SIADODT: How is your relationship with your grandma?
Me: What? What does she have to do with this? Ooooh.....the other sisters... we're cool.
Playing out the interview in my mind, could I really get into the habit of a habit?
After about two seconds of serious thought, I decided that I prefer my gym membership, having only one grandma and not feeling like I am dressed in preparation for a blizzard year round.
Grandma?
Convent jokes aside, I've come to realize that I'm actually pretty content and have been content for quite some time. Getting to this place of contentment was not a short or easy road, but I'm here and it feels good. Having ruled out online dating and the convent, I think I'll just stick with my church and meeting people face to face. You might say, "I'm having nun of it." Nun pun intended.
Hey, Gamer could have asked you how to spell 'chestnut.' Loved this!!
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